new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Ladies don't puke and tell
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
