What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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