lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
