My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
