so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
