Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
