I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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