I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
