mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
