Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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