dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I think my vagina is haunted
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
