She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
