don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
