She is in my trunk
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
