the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
