Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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