another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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