i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
