I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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