and you said cock pushups were impossible
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
