I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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