In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Panties = found
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
