life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Randomize
