My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
