I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
