I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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