the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
