I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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