I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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