Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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