in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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