We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
We are two peas in an std pod
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
