My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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