I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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