I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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