no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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