don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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