So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
