last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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