dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
