I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
