my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
