im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
