I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
that's an acceptable place to lick
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
