JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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