If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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