Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
