broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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