I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize