How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
And then he peed in my hair
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