I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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