So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
