Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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