he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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