Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
