I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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